You Asked for Feedback. But Did You Want the Answer?

I think most leaders would tell you they welcome feedback.

They have an open-door policy. They encourage employees to share concerns. They tell their teams that their opinions matter.

And I genuinely believe most people mean it.

...But here's something I've learned throughout my leadership career:

There is a big difference between being willing to receive feedback and intentionally creating opportunities for people to give it.

But wait... there's more! There is an even bigger difference between asking for honest feedback and actually being prepared to hear the answer.

Sometimes the answer isn't what we want to hear, and sometimes it challenges a decision we're proud of. Sometimes it reveals a problem we didn't know existed.

I think the hardest one of all is if we're really willing to listen, it forces us to confront something uncomfortable about our own leadership. This had happened to me at one point in my career and it stopped my dead in my tracks. I had the choice to let my ego take control, or to take a step back and make a change based on that feedback.

That is exactly where the real work begins... and trust me, it is hard... but so rewarding!

The Culture You Intend Isn't Always the Culture People Experience

Over the last couple of weeks, we have talked about intentionally reinforcing culture and recognizing progress. We have talked about defining the behaviors we want to see, modeling those behaviors, and creating an environment where people feel valued.

But how do we know if it's actually working?

Think about it.

You might believe you have created a collaborative workplace because you regularly encourage teamwork, but your employees might experience an environment where certain voices consistently carry more weight than others.

You might believe you have created a culture of accountability because you clearly communicate expectations, but your employees might experience a workplace where mistakes are met with blame instead of opportunities to learn.

You might believe you have a healthy work-life balance because you encourage people to use their vacation time, but your employees might feel guilty taking time off because the workload waiting for them when they return is overwhelming.

If you take only one piece of information away from this blog post, please remember this... Your intentions do not automatically become someone else's experience.

As leaders, we have to be willing to recognize that.

The only way to understand the culture our people are actually experiencing is to ask them... and then listen.

An Open Door Doesn't Mean People Feel Safe Walking Through It

I have always found the concept of an open-door policy interesting. It sounds wonderful!

My door is always open!

Okay. Great.

...But does anyone actually feel comfortable walking through it? Accessibility and psychological safety are not the same thing.

Your employees might genuinely like you. They might respect you. They might even consider you an exceptional leader and still hesitate to tell you something you don't want to hear.

Why?

Because you are their boss.

You influence their opportunities, evaluations, workload, and professional growth.

That power dynamic doesn't disappear just because you're approachable, and sometimes, people have learned through previous experiences that speaking up comes with consequences.

Maybe they shared a concern with a previous supervisor and nothing happened.

Maybe they watched a coworker get labeled as difficult for challenging a decision.

Maybe they offered an idea that was immediately dismissed.

Those experiences shape how willing someone is to speak up in the future. You can't assume people feel safe giving feedback simply because you've told them they can.

You have to create the conditions that make honesty possible.

...And then continually reinforce those conditions through your response.

Ask Better Questions

A super simple way to invite more honest feedback is to change the questions that you are asking. Think about the difference between these two questions:

“Everything going okay?”

And:

“What's one thing about how we're operating that makes your job harder than it needs to be?”

The first question makes it incredibly easy to respond with, “Yep! All good!” Whereas the second invites someone to actually think. It also signals that you are interested in understanding what could be better.

Instead of asking whether your team likes a new process, you could ask:

“What is not working as well as we expected?”

Instead of asking whether employees feel supported, you could ask:

“What is one thing I could do differently to better support you?”

Instead of asking whether communication is good, you could ask:

“Where are we leaving people guessing?”

Here is one that I particularly like:

“What do you think I might not be seeing from where I sit?”

I particularly like that one because the higher you move into leadership, the more your perspective changes.

You see the big picture.

You understand competing priorities.

You have information your team may not have.

But your employees see things you don't.

They experience the processes.

They interact with customers.

They navigate the day-to-day frustrations.

They see the gaps between what leadership thinks is happening and what is actually happening.

That perspective is incredibly valuable.

Don't Punish the Honesty You Asked For

This might be the most important part of the entire conversation... yet the hardest!

Your reaction to difficult feedback determines whether people will give it to you again.

Imagine asking an employee what you could do better and they tell you that your communication sometimes creates confusion.

Imagine you then immediately respond:“Well, I communicate those things in our weekly meetings, so I'm not sure why you're confused.”

Congratulations. You just taught that employee something, and it probably wasn't what you intended.

You taught them that when they offer feedback, they should be prepared to defend it.

You taught them that your first instinct is to explain why they are wrong.

You may have made it less likely they'll offer that perspective again.

Truth be told, I have had to learn this lesson myself. When someone challenges something we have worked hard on, our natural instinct can be to explain our reasoning...

We want them to understand why we made the decision.

We want to provide context.

We want to correct what we perceive as a misunderstanding.

And truthfully, sometimes that context is important, but understanding someone's experience needs to come before defending our intention.

Try responding with:

“Thank you for telling me that. Can you help me understand where the confusion is happening?”

Or: “That's helpful feedback. I hadn't considered it from that perspective.”

Or even: “I need to think about that a little more, but I appreciate you being willing to share it.”

You don't have to agree with every piece of feedback and you don't have to immediately change course. However, you do need to demonstrate that honesty is welcome, even when it is uncomfortable.

Feedback Is Information, Not a Verdict

Another mindset shift that I think makes receiving feedback much easier is that feedback is information...

It isn't automatically a fact.

It isn't necessarily the complete picture, and it isn't always an accurate assessment of your intentions or performance.

However, it is information about how someone is experiencing something.

That distinction is important!

If one employee tells you that communication is poor, that doesn't automatically mean you are a poor communicator. It does mean someone is experiencing a communication gap, which is worth understanding.

If several employees share similar concerns?

Now you may be identifying a pattern.

Patterns deserve attention.

This is where exceptional leaders get curious instead of defensive.

What are people experiencing?

Is this an isolated concern or something broader?

What might be contributing to it?

What could we change?

Sometimes feedback reveals a problem with a process.

Sometimes it reveals a misunderstanding.

Sometimes it reveals an opportunity to better explain a decision.

Sometimes it reveals that we need to change our own behavior.

Remember, none of those outcomes are inherently bad.. they are opportunities to get better!

Make Feedback Part of How You Operate

If the only time you ask employees for honest feedback is during an annual engagement survey, you are missing an enormous opportunity.

Culture is experienced every day, so feedback needs to be invited regularly. Now, that doesn't mean conducting a formal survey every week. It means creating simple, consistent opportunities for people to share what they're experiencing.

A few ideas:

• Ask one meaningful question during team meetings. What is working? What is getting in our way? What should we reconsider?

• Build feedback into one-on-ones. Make space for employees to tell you what they need from you, not just report on their work.

• Use anonymous feedback when appropriate. Some concerns are easier to share without attribution, especially when trust is still developing.

• Conduct occasional culture check-ins. Ask employees whether the behaviors you have defined as important are actually showing up in their daily experiences.

• Look for patterns. Pay attention when similar concerns emerge across multiple conversations.
  

And perhaps most importantly, close the loop.

If someone shares feedback and never hears anything about it again, they may reasonably wonder whether their input mattered.

Tell people what you heard.

Explain what you're going to do with it.

When something cannot change, explain why. Even a simple acknowledgment like, “Several of you raised concerns about how we're communicating project updates, so we're going to try a different approach,” demonstrates that feedback has value.

People are much more likely to continue sharing when they can see that their input leads to thoughtful consideration and, when appropriate, action.

Be Willing to Discover That You're Wrong

I think this is where humility becomes one of the most important qualities of exceptional leadership because if we're only interested in feedback that confirms what we already believe, we're not really interested in feedback...

...We are interested in validation, but validation doesn't necessarily make us better.

Throughout this year and the 1% Better Leadership Challenge, we have talked about self-awareness, curiosity, psychological safety, trust, accountability, and inviting different perspectives.

All of those things lead us here. To a place where we can confidently say: “I think we are doing this well, but I want to understand whether that's actually what people are experiencing.”

That requires humility, curiosity, and setting aside our ego. Sometimes it even requires acknowledging that something we genuinely believed was working...isn't.

And that's okay!

Personally, I would much rather know something isn't working and have an opportunity to improve it than to continue operating under the assumption that everything is wonderful while my team experiences something completely different.

Ask. Listen. Learn. Act.

As we continue exploring impact and culture this quarter, I want you to think about the difference between the culture you intend to create and the culture your people actually experience.

Are they the same?

How do you know?

When was the last time you asked?

And perhaps most importantly: What would happen if someone told you they weren't?

Would you get defensive?

Would you explain why they're wrong?

Would you thank them and move on?

...Or would you get curious, ask questions, and genuinely consider what their experience might be teaching you?

Exceptional leaders don't just invite feedback when they are confident they will like the answer, they invite it because they are committed to understanding what they might be missing.

Sometimes, the feedback that makes us the most uncomfortable is exactly the feedback we need to hear.